New Year, New “List”: Examine Your 2011 Relationships to Determine What Really Matters
Examine 2011 relationships to get what you want in 2012
By Rosie Munger for BounceBack.com
Often New Year’s resolutions involve modifying behaviors in ways that are supposed to positively impact our lives: eating healthier, exercising more, sticking to our budget, spending more time with family, etc. We are advised to set “SMART” goals: ones that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Bound. While using this method may work well in certain areas of life, it does not translate particularly well to romantic relationships, which are rarely black and white and frequently not within our sole control.
How, then, might we learn from our relationships of the past year in order to set ourselves up for a greater chance of success this year? Simply turn to these three words: Reflect, Reframe and Refine.
Step 1: Reflect on the positive.
Although your relationship(s) of 2011 may not have worked out, certainly there was at least one thing you really liked about your ex or the relationship. Spend a few minutes writing down everything you can think of for each 2011 date or relationship that made you happy, excited or truly ecstatic. Think about the various aspects of interpersonal connections: mental, emotional, and physical.
Example 1: Anna really loved how she could be completely herself with Andy. Since she never felt like she had to filter herself or act in a manner untrue to her core being, she felt really comfortable with him and their time together always just seemed so easy. Whether they were talking or kissing, everything flowed.
Example 2: Mark loved Jen’s sense of humor. He laughed all the time when he was with her.
When you’re writing your list, just jot down quick words or phrases. You’ll spend more time thinking about each one later.
Step 2: Reframe the negative.
You’re not in the relationship any more, so there must have been some downsides to it, some things you weren’t too keen on. This part may feel a bit tougher emotionally since you have to delve into the trickier emotions, but you won’t have to dwell on them too long! Again, take some time to write down what you really didn’t like about your ex.
Example 1: Shelley hated that her ex never wanted to go out and do fun things. Staying in and watching a movie was great once in a while, but she became so unhappy because they never did anything social out on the town.
Example 2: Rob just didn’t trust his ex. He frequently said that she had a different definition of honesty than the rest of the world.
Now that you have your list of things you really don’t miss, time to take each one and reframe it. Let’s take a look at how Shelley and Rob can turn their dislikes into positive statements that reflect their true desires.
Example 1: Shelley needs her partner to enjoy living a balanced and social life. She loves exploring her city, trying new things and being social with friends, and it’s important to her that her partner relishes life in a similar way. Shelley might write, “I want my partner to be fun and social, like I am!”
Example 2: Rob would like to meet someone who values honesty as one of the foundations of a strong relationship. Rob could reframe his past dislike into, “I would like to meet someone to whom honesty comes naturally.”
Step 3: Refine down to three key qualities.
You may have a pretty daunting list by now of what you’re seeking in the next person you date. Let’s be truthful: the chance of finding someone who meets every single requirement is slim. Review your list or positives and your reframed negatives, putting a line next to each one that would be nice to have, but not mandatory. Put a star next to each one that you feel is non-negotiable.
This is where it gets tough. While it would be absolutely terrific to meet someone with all your starred qualities, it realistically may not happen. The more non-negotiables you have, the easier it can be to diminish their importance. When there are ten things on a list and a guy doesn’t meet one of those, it’s easy to either dismiss him too easily or to convince yourself it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t meet your standards. Either way, it’s not a good situation.
Instead, select three starred items. You are going to focus on these three core traits – truly mandatory qualities a potential partner must have. As you are getting to know someone this year, pay attention to whether your requirements are being met. By entering into relationships only with people who fulfill our deepest relationship desires, we significantly increase the likelihood that our 2012 relationship(s) will be more positive than those from 2011.
