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Bad Valentine’s Day Advice for Men

By Elise Solé, Shine Staff

 
ThinkStockIf you knew nothing about women and picked up any men’s magazine in mid-January, you’d learn a lot. For one thing, all women are obsessed with Valentine’s Day. And while they may be (and probably are) silently judging you on the other 364 days of the year, come February 14th, it’s game on. On this date, women turn into engagement-hungry heathens who deem Valentine’s Day the ultimate test of a man’s love, no matter how long she’s been dating him. The antidote to the demise of these relationships? The absolute perfect gift. That’s a lot of pressure! It’s not surprising that many guys come up short on Valentine’s Day. Behold, the misguided advice men are subjected to each year:

—Maxim warns men that Valentine’s Day is all about shaming their partner’s girlfriends and cube mates which conveniently has a sexual pay-off for them. Also, it must be true because they had an anthropologist say so. “You’ve probably heard that women dress for other women, and the same theory of catty one-upmanship holds true on Valentine’s Day. Yes, even the most cynical lass wants to evoke jealousy in her gal pals on February 14. ‘Women are naturally prone to compete over their mates,’ says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of Why Him? Why Her? ‘Plus, competition drives up her testosterone levels, increasing her libido.'”

—Details suggests a $55 toothbrush encased in 18-karat gold will not only make a woman swoon, it’s a symbolic gesture that her man wants to move the relationship to “the next level” (er, the “toothbrush level”?). Note to men: While it’s definitely true that she may want shiny precious metals, she definitely doesn’t want them on her toothbrush.

—Men’s Health advises pulling a bait and switch by sending flowers a few days before Valentine’s Day, especially if there’s any concern that the women will threaten their mate with the ‘ole “Don’t get me anything!” ruse. 1) If you think she doesn’t want anything, just don’t get her anything. 2) If you’re in a relationship where celebrating V-day is expected, acknowledging it few days earlier won’t get you out of your duties on February 14th. 

—Complex lets guys know there’s a “fine line” between “it’s the thought that counts” and “lazy.” But if their readers spelled out their message of love with Scrabble pieces, according to the magazine they’ve “done well.” Have they?

—In the world of Shave magazine readers, nothing is more romantic than a “save your ass gift” by way of Giiv, a service that allows men to send gifts instantaneously via text message. All men do is select a present and enter the recipient’s cell phone number with a personal message. She’ll receive a text message with a gift code to redeem in stores or online. Unless the personal message accompanying this gift is, “Please don’t dump me for this crappy, last-minute gift”, don’t bother.

—But the above gift won’t fly with Man Helper, who says electronic gestures fall under “The worst 13 gifts you can give her on Valentine’s Day—no wonder guys get so confused!