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DON’T feel like you have to have the talk if you’re happy with the way things are

Before you sit down for ‘the talk’, read this guide to make sure you don’t say the wrong things.

Everyone has a different “right” time to have the “what are we?” talk. “It’s easy to think, Well, we’ve been hooking up for three months, so we should talk about what we’re doing,” says Scott Alden, creative strategist for the dating site HowAboutWe.com. “It is possible, however, that you are currently in a mutually beneficial, casual hook-up situation. They do exist. Spend some time thinking about whether or not the relationship is just fine for you as it is. After that, if it feels like some more clarity would be helpful, have the talk.”

DO look for signs he’s ready too

“Men generally communicate through their actions more than their words, so to gauge his interest, look at what he’s doing, or not doing, to show he’s interested in a relationship,” says Andrea Syrtash, author of He’s Just Not Your Type (and That’s a Good Thing). “Is he making regular plans? Has he introduced you to people important to him? It doesn’t matter if he talks to you about taking you to Paris this summer if he’s not calling you this week.”

DON’T let a few drinks initiate the conversation

“If you don’t make a point of having the conversation when you’re both sober, it will end up happening when you’re both drunk, and you’ll probably end up more confused in the morning than you were the night before,” says Alden.

DO have the conversation face-to-face

“As tempting as it might be to have difficult conversations by phone or text, make sure you talk about this in person,” says Chiara Atik, a blogger for HowAboutWe’s the Date Report. “Texting is far too ambiguous for this type of conversation, and phone conversations just aren’t the same as meeting face-to-face. If you do want to have a relationship, then maturely discussing things in person is the absolute best way to start things off.”

DO hold out until midafternoon to chat

Did you know that men have an ideal attention-span time? We didn’t either, but according to Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Sealing the Deal: the Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, men’s testosterone levels drop between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m., which may make it easier for them to listen. “Obviously, if they’re just coming home from some horrible work crisis, you might want to take that into consideration,” she adds.

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“If you don’t make a point of having the conversation when you’re both sober, it will end up happening when you’re both drunk, and you’ll probably end up more confused in the morning than you were the night before,” says Alden. Read More