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Give him space

If you’re in the habit of hovering or giving advice when he’s preparing dinner, folding laundry or putting the kids to sleep, go to a different room where you can’t observe what he’s doing. Don’t text or call him unless you need to. Remember that distancers open up most freely when they aren’t being pursued or criticized by their partners.

Make a date, not a diagnosis

When you want more connection, suggest an activity (“I hear there’s a new Italian restaurant: Do you want to check it out this week?”). Refrain from diagnosing your partner (“I feel like you’ve shut down”), or the marriage (“We don’t really communicate anymore””). Instead of talking about how you don’t talk, just try talking.

Pursue your goals, not your partner

Shift the focus from your partner to the direction of your own life. What talents or hobbies do you want to develop? What are your work goals? Do you want to make new friends or spend more time with old ones? Are you exercising, eating well and taking good care of yourself? What sort of home do you want to create? Focusing on you is the best antidote to getting overly focused on a distant partner.

Try out a new you

If you know you’re going to be pressing your partner for conversation if you stay home, go out with a friend. If you’re at the movies and you feel angry that he’s not taking your hand, talk only about the film when you leave the theater, not about your hurt feelings. Get creative about lowering the intensity between you and your partner, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

Warm his heart

Calling off the pursuit doesn’t mean distancing yourself or going into a cold withdrawal. Do the special things that you know will make him feel valued. Praise the specifics (“You were so funny at the party last night”), and dial down the criticism.

Know when distance signals trouble

If you’ve been following the previous rules for three months and your partner’s distance still feels problematic, don’t stick your head in the sand: Speak up about your concerns and keep the conversation going over time. If nothing changes, get help. If your partner doesn’t want to join you in therapy or counseling, go by yourself. Rather than staying on automatic pilot (that is, doing what you do naturally), be the one to change first.

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