“I want a divorce”
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say things you don’t mean, but every expert we spoke with agreed that this statement can’t easily be taken back-no matter how many times you apologize or swear you didn’t mean it. “Statements like ‘I’m done with this’ or ‘I’m leaving’ breed insecurity,” explains Judi Cinéas, a marriage and family therapist based in Palm Beach, FL. “I always tell clients that this should only be said if you’re ready to sign the papers.” So what happens if it slips? Apologize and explain that it will never happen again, but know it might be awhile before your partner fully trusts you. And it also may be time for you to do some soul-searching. If you truly blurted it out in a fit of rage, it could be helpful to work through your anger with a professional. But if you said it because it’s on your mind, that’s indicative of much deeper issues than the argument du jour.
“I’m not mad”
So why are you rolling your eyes, slamming doors, and grunting one-word responses to his questions? Because you don’t want to be mad, which isn’t quite the same thing as not being mad. “Shutting down and trying to ignore our emotions is an incredibly common reaction to conflict,” says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, CA. “We want to be accepted and not have people upset with us.” Not only that, but sometimes it’s hard to know why you’re so annoyed-or you might feel silly explaining why his failure to text that he’s running late created this reaction, especially if you haven’t cared in the past. If you find yourself tongue-tied when your temper flares, it’s fine to take a break and talk when you’ve cooled down-even if it’s just to let him know how confused you feel. Read More
