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Heal.

Grieving the loss of a relationship is not fun, but the healing that results is totally worth it. Now, I know what you’re thinking, because I’ve had the same thought: I thought I could bypass all the pain and heartache by distracting myself with other men. Each failed relationship that followed only added to the pain I felt and confused me even more.

Eventually I learned that it is not time that heals all wounds but our willingness to face and address the pain of those wounds. If I could go back in time, I’d deal with the pain of my breakup head-on: I’d let myself cry when I needed to cry, and I’d start therapy even sooner. Doing those two things alone contributed more toward my healing than any rebound ever could.

Process.

It’d be very easy for me to blame my ex for everything that went wrong in our relationship and call it a day. And though he did plenty wrong throughout our four years together, I was no angel either. In hindsight I can see that our biggest weaknesses fed off of each other. My desperation and his control simply were not a good match.

That’s why it’s important to take some time after a breakup to process the events of the relationship and better understand what went wrong (in a real, unbiased way). In what ways did you mess up? Do you need to forgive him—or yourself? If this person treated you badly, what attracted you to him or her in the first place? Answering questions like these can help you to start seeing the relationship as it actually was and not just as you imagined it to be. It’s also the first step in breaking any unhealthy relationship habits you’ve adopted (and might be unknowingly repeating).

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