When Seal started making the talk show rounds this week, most people were surprised at how calm and mature he seemed about his split from Heidi Klum. He even told Ellen DeGeneres that he’s keeping his wedding ring on because it makes him feel “connected” to his ex.

Of course, what he says in public and how he privately feels could be two totally different things. Even though guys usually play it cool after a split, what happens to a man after a break up depends on who did the breaking up.

If he did it, he’s sad for one-billionth of a nanosecond before he starts daydreaming about the new chicks he’s going to hook up with. If he’s the one who got run over by the dump truck, however, his post-breakup behavior is far different. Yes, psycho guys do psycho things. But normal dudes like Seal, who are saddened by the end of a relationship, focus on fighting that soul-crushing feeling—figuratively and literally.

Here, a guy tells us the real deal about what Seal is probably going through.

Fighting Back Tears
Some men like to say they never cry. Well, here’s the truth: We never let anyone see us crying. I was very in love with Jill (I’ve changed names here to protect the guilty). How in love? Our song was Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we were so crazy in love. (Shut up, it was adorable at the time.) After she broke up with me, I was explaining this to a friend at a bar when I had to grit my teeth and excuse myself. After I got home, I pulled the curtains shut and blared a heavy-metal album. Then I cried. It made me feel better, but only because I knew that my hot, manly, motor-oil tears were witnessed by no one.

Fighting Inanimate Objects
Guys often try to work through the pain of a broken heart by replacing it with the much more easily endured pain of bloody knuckles. I once had a meathead roommate who, after being ditched by a Keira Knightley look-alike, continually—and noisily—wailed on a punching bag he’d put up in our apartment. I have the soft hands of a writer, so I recovered from one particularly nasty breakup by living inside the game Grand Theft Auto IV for three weeks. I crashed cars and shot anyone who looked at me funny. Weird? Maybe. But it helped me vent chaotic emotions that I didn’t know how to process any other way.

Fighting to Win Her Back
When a guy realizes he’s let something special slip through his fingers—it generally happens the first Friday night he has no plans—he tries to fix it. He fails to see, however, that relationships aren’t broken door hinges. When Nicole dumped me, I was initially proud that I’d taken the news stoically, like a ninja. But then, after a couple of beers on my first lonely night, it dawned on me that I hadn’t put up enough of a fight. After a few more beers, I drunk-dialed her. I begged, I rationalized, I promised to fix the things that were wrong with me and with us—even though I couldn’t really tell her what those things were. When it became clear she wasn’t going to take me back, I told her I had one more question. Her response? No, she would not sleep with me one last time. I was far from over her, but her rejection finally got me thinking about the new chicks I was going to hook up with.

The answer, as with most things, is: It depends.

Personally, I think that if you’ve shared an intimate and supportive connection with someone over time, it’s a shame not to stay on at least friendly terms with an ex.

But many people struggle to stay connected on a friendly level because they still desire something more from their ex. That’s when you can get into trouble. Bottom line: friendships are mutual. So if you are going to stay friends, you and your ex have to have to be in agreement about the vision for your friendship.

If you both agree you’d like to try to remain friends, here’s how to make the transition from relationship to friendship as smoothly as possible.

1. Agree to a No-Contact Period

If you’re just breaking up, it’s best to agree to a period of no contact– maybe 2 weeks, maybe 3 months. During this time, you begin to separate your lives and wean yourself from each other’s emotional support. Without this breathing space that creates final closure, you can wind up using your previous partner as a crutch and not really be moving on at all- something that will hold you both back. Agree to check in at the end of your decided upon time frame.

At that time, see if you are both past the “reactive stage.” Can you talk to and think about each other without getting all emotional- either teary or angry? If so, it might be time to resume a friendship. If not, more time may be needed.

Related: Turning a Hookup Into a Relationship

2. Create a Mutual Definition of Friendship

A friendship needs to start from a clean and clear space that is defined in a fresh way. So once you’ve created that space, confirm that you both still want to be friends. If the answer remains yes for you both- and it might not be after your grace period- then it’s time to decide what you want your friendship to look like.

Without this step, people tend to hurt each other because they have differing ideas of what it means to be “friends” with an ex. So be honest with each other. What is your ideal? Coffee once a year to catch up? Friendly email updates once a quarter? Grabbing lunch once a month?

The goal here is to find something that feels good to both of you. If you can’t, chances are, it’s not the right time to maintain a friendly connection because someone is still emotionally attached and is going to get hurt.
Related: Is it Always Wrong to Flirt With a Guy Who Is Taken?

3. Set Boundaries

You also need to talk about what kinds of things you still want to share. As partners, you likely turned to each other for support on everything, but that’s probably no longer appropriate. So, maybe you want to hear updates about work and fun, but you aren’t ready to hear about how excited your ex is about dating a new hottie. Maybe it’s still cool to ask him to pick you up at the airport or fix your sink, but maybe not.

Boundaries are especially important once a new romance is in your life. Your current partners may not be so thrilled that you remain connected to your old flame. So talk to your new partner and renegotiate your friendship levels dependent on what feels good to everyone involved.

When both partners are over the romance, have moved on emotionally, and both want the same things from each other, friendships with an ex can be a rewarding part of your life. After all, your ex’s were likely your best friends during periods of your life and staying connected can offer a unique, supportive connection that you value for a long time to come.

Have you ever kept an ex as a friend? How’d you pull it off?

Photo: Thinkstock”The chance to love and be loved exists no matter where you are.” – Oprah

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.” – Ursula K. Le Guin

RELATED: Which Way to Happy? Two Experts Weigh In

“Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries: weight and sink it deep, no matter, it will rise and find the surface.” – Truman Capote

“Love consists in leaving the loved one space to be themselves while providing the security within which that self may flourish.” – Tony Judt

RELATED: 4 Steps to Find Your Life’s Path

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet.” – Tom Robbins

“What unites us as human beings is an urge for happiness which at heart is a yearning for union.” Sharon Salzberg

RELATED: What the Happiest and Most Successful Women Do Differently

“I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds – but I think of you always in those intervals.” – Salvador Plascencia

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.” – Rumi

RELATED: What Would It Take to Make You Happy?

“Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart. ” – Robert Sexton

“To love unconditionally requires no contracts, bargains, or agreements. Love exists in the moment-to-moment flux of life.” – Marion Woodman

Original Story

JoAnn from Bensonhurst talks mannersI’m sure that ever since the dawn of time, there have been dating rules of the road. Some dos and don’ts have stood the test of time, like having the tact to thank someone after they’ve paid for dinner (or, in the dark ages, perhaps they hunted or gathered it) or knowing better than to talk so much that you don’t let your date get a word in edgewise. But other rules are a bit hazier, I’d say …

Not according to JoAnn From Bensonhurst, though. The Brooklyn mom is talking “manners” in her latest episode on CafeMom Studios’ YouTube Channel, and when it comes to courtship courtesy, she certainly makes some some awesome points. But I gotta say, I’m not with her 100 percent on some of her old-school rules.

Check out the episode …

Okay, so breaking up via text? Yes, totally wrong! Have the decency to break up with someone face-to-face … and not via FaceTime! In person! But the sex on the first date as an absolute no-no? Ehhhh … come on, JoAnn, not everyone who ends up in bed on the first go-round is a “who-er” (hahaha). And pointing to her grandparents’ era, a time when premarital sex was shunned by most women who had to be seen as “good girls” to get hitched, isn’t exactly helpful or empowering to women today.

More from The Stir: Magazine Gives Teen Girls Worst Dating Advice Ever

I agree that always jumping into bed on the first date makes someone (women and men!) a whore, but sometimes, first date sex just happens. There’s off-the-charts sexual chemistry, you’ve been friends for a long time before having your first date, you both drank a little too much — oh well! I don’t think it necessarily is a death sentence for the relationship, as The Rules authors — and JoAnn perhaps — would have us ladies believe.

Similarly, her take on paying on the first date strikes me as a bit too black and white. It probably makes the most sense for whoever initiated the first date to pay. And I agree that a woman’s got to at least offer on the second date, but she might also want to actually plan on paying if the guy paid the first time. You know, these days, it makes a lot more sense to take turns or split the bill 50/50. Women who say they’ve never had to pay for a date in their lives drive me nuts! (What are they trying to do — single-handedly turn the clock back 50 years?!)

All in all, though, JoAnn’s got the right idea, and her overall message — you know, having common courtesy (something that seems to escape many New Yorkers!) and saying “please,” “thank you,” and “I love you” — is one we should all consider more often.

More from The Stir: Only Nut Cases Would Pay $1,200 for Online Dating Help

Want to get more of JoAnn From Bensonhurst cracking wise? Check out her new video series on the CafeMom Studios YouTube Channel! A new episode will appear every Monday, but you can subscribe right there in case you forget!

What do you think about JoAnn’s old school dating rules?

Image via CafeMomStudios/YouTube

Written by Maressa Brown on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir.

Original Story

When you are done reading this article, we don’t suggest you head over to Facebook to stalk your boyfriend.
We were just thinking the other day how relieved we are that Facebook was just a twinkle in Mark Zuckerberg’s eye when we were in high school.

We aren’t entirely sure our fragile, angsty hearts could’ve handled the rush of photos, wall posts and status updates advertising the whereabouts and canoodlings of our various crushed. The gossipy hallways and yearbook inscriptions were about all we could take. Thanks.

So it came as no surprise when we read that a study of 300 college students revealed that Facebook incites a significant amount of romantic jealousy, adding fuel to the obsessive-compulsive nature of “crushing” in general. C’mon a Facebook profile is a 24-hour, all-access portal to a person’s life. A stalker’s fantasy. You can rummage and ruminate without the other person ever knowing.

The results published in the August issue of the journal CyberPsychology & Behavior proved that just about everything from new friend additions to benign Facebook activity made students feel jealous. The average student had 300 friends and spent 40 minutes a day on Facebook. However, those who spent more time on the social networking site reported even greater feelings of jealousy.

While we won’t say these emotions are necessarily justified (don’t turn a Facebook poke into a mountain), 75 percent of those surveyed said they would accept a friend request from a previous lover.

Perhaps the most interesting tidbit from the study in general was how the sexes view Facebook differently. Girls, as the study says, were more likely to “monitor their partner’s activities more closely” while guys took the opposite approach and “avoided” their love interest’s profile.

Written By Melissa Noble For YourTango.com.

Original STory

julie@organikal via Flickr

It’s a scenario we all know too well. You meet the most amazing guy. After some intense flirting, he asks for your number. You give it to him. He calls soon after, asking to take you out. One date, two dates, three dates…things are progressing well! You think, “This is going to go somewhere!” But how do you keep it that way? Avoid any hazardous speed bumps with our list of the top 10 relationship killers!10. Your quirky habits turn annoying. Without proper communication of how these habits (i.e. channel surfing extremely fast or needing five blankets even in the summer) are becoming frustrating, these simple little idiosyncrasies-that we think make us endearing-will eventually turn into ticking time-bombs. Deactivate the blowout with a small discussion.

9. Not making an effort to hang out with each other’s friends. And for that matter, not even getting along with your S.O.’s friends/family is a major deal-breaker for many people. There must be a balance between friend time, couple time and when the two overlap.

8. Texting or IM-ing all day everyday while you’re both at work. Save the conversations for later; it will affect what you have to talk about on date nights! Avoid a convo like this: You: “Ohmigod! The craziest thing happened at work today.” Him: “Yeah, you told me about it on g-chat earlier today.” You: “Oh yeah…” Insert awkward silence. And you can’t forget that by chatting at work, you’re wasting valuable time.

7. Pouring your heart out in a card-birthday, Valentine’s Day or any other holiday that deserves a card. It’s a little too much to handle for anyone. Do we even need to mention the awkwardness that can ensue as he’s reading the novel you wrote inside the card while you’re secretly expecting it to encourage him to give you a grand confession of love? Yup, not gonna happen! Simple solution? Find a funny card and just sign your name. It will have the exact same sentimental value to him. Trust us.

6. Being too open or too secretive about your past. It is a fine line of saying how old you were when you lost your V-card to describing every little detail of who, when, where and what you felt through it all. TMI, peeps. If he wants to know about your past, give short and sweet answers and then move on. And as for how to deal with the “How many people?” question, try this answer for laughs.

5. Being too available. This isn’t to say you should play the hard-to-get game by ignoring calls, delaying your response to a text or making up plans when you’re actually free. That’s pointless and nobody likes those games. If you’re free for a date, you’re free. If you’re not, you’re not and you can reschedule. The downfall of being too available right away is that you are more prone to losing your independence as you enter into a committed relationship. And once you lose yourself, the relationship will start sinking faster than the Titanic.

4. Social media stalking. If you’re looking at your S.O.’s Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn all within five minutes, step away from the computer. NOW. This feeds even the most confident woman’s insecurity. You’ll start questioning the “Hey, how have you been?” comment from that cute brunette who is really just his cousin checking in. Insecure insanity-no bueno. And on a similar note, if you’re acting single on any social network, consider your relationship DOA.

3. Pushing the “What are we?” talk. The fastest way to end a relationship is to start talking about where it’s going. Don’t do it. Let it come up organically.

2. Doing the chasing. Sure, we’re all for a woman asking a man out. Go for it! But there is a humongo difference between making the first move and being a stage-5 clinger. We’ve all seen He’s Just Not That Into You and/or read the book. If he’s into you, he’ll make the effort to see you. If he’s not picking up that phone and dialing your number, listen to Beyoncé’s advice and consider yourself the best thing he never had.

1. Different lifelong goals. If you have a desire to be married and have babies one day and you’re dating someone who doesn’t want either, get out of that relationship ASAP. Yes, that’s harsh advice. But you can’t change a person and what he/she wants out of life. Having different views on these topics puts a timeline on your relationship and you’re better off saving yourself from the undeniable heartbreak. Follow the George Clooney rule. If you’re upfront about your desires out of life from the beginning (not necessarily on the first date, but before you make it FB official), then you’ll spare yourself from falling for someone who refuses to give you what you want.

Bonus Relationship Killer!

Getting too comfortable too quickly. In relationships, you should never think you fully have someone committed to you. When you’re in love, you should give your partner a reason to be with you each day. It’s the only way to have your bond grow stronger each day.

Original Story

By Anonymous
O, The Oprah Magazine  | 

Photo: Jeff Spielman/Getty Images

 

I have a black lace push-up bra left over from my days as a mistress. I was in my early 30s then, and fed up with relationships, fed up with falling for men who, the moment they noticed that I was sweet on them, would ask me to please stop liking them so much because it was making them feel claustrophobic.

Dating a married man who lived 3,000 miles away was different. To him, I represented the opposite of claustrophobia. I was freedom, excitement, possibility. To me, he was a kind of pause button in a dismal romantic life, and if I hadn’t been feeling like such a misfit at dating I probably never would have gotten involved. I saw him maybe half a dozen times in five months. It never felt right—I worried more about his wife than he seemed to—and it was a relief to put an end to it when I met Sam (not his real name), the man who became my husband 12 years ago.

Sleeping with a married man taught me that an affair is mostly about carving out a little make-believe space in your life and then filling that space, helium-like, with passion. I also learned that sex occupies most of your hours together, and that preparing your body for sex occupies most of what’s left of your free time. (I have never spent so long bathing and waxing, getting pedicures, and shopping for lingerie.) I learned that you regard someone differently when he is not a prospective mate; if he has an annoying habit—or an annoying personality, for that matter—so what? It’s another woman’s cross to bear. I learned that, in an affair, you are always on your second date, just about to fall in love, always witty and delightful and utterly uncomplicated.

It is tempting to romanticize that charmed bubble, especially when you compare it to the fatigue and frustration and bill-paying and child-disciplining and flinch-inducing touches and bad breath and underhanded jibes that fill the middle years of marriage. But an affair only briefly obscures the dark grief every spouse surely feels over the dwindling of marital love, while doing nothing to address what went amiss.

I knew all that, and I also knew (from People magazine if not from experience) that an affair can destroy a marriage. What I didn’t know is that some marriages can withstand the damage. And that some might actually benefit from being broken open, because the breaking—however painful—opens the door to rebuilding something better.

It turns out that my marriage was—is—one of those.

In December 2008, nine days before Christmas, and barely four months after my husband, three small children, and I had moved to a new town where I knew not a single person, Sam came home from work, ate supper, sat me down on the sofa, and confessed that he had been having an affair for the past three years. I can still remember the way his face looked when he spoke those words—crumpled and terrified, it trembled and spasmed like a bird that has been hit by a car but is not yet dead.

Sam said the affair was completely over. He said he was deeply regretful, that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that all he really wanted was us—me, our three amazing kids, our life together. He promised that he would not communicate anymore with Daphne (not her real name, either), and that if she tried to reach him, he would let me know. He called it a big mistake. He called it a bad choice. But he also said that he had truly loved and admired Daphne, whom he met working on a long-term project on the other side of the continent. He said she was funny, smart, and ballsy. That she was married with two small children. (How small? They met when she’d just come back from maternity leave. She had actually introduced Sam to them, and to her husband. And to her parents.) Oh yes, and he also mentioned that they’d neglected to use any birth control whatsoever, either of them. Ever.

“I was hurt, shocked, heartbroken, furious, traumatized, upended, terrified”