Should you date a man who is separated?
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Last Thursday I slipped on my pre-recession, nappa tie-back Jimmy Choos, grabbed my subway Metrocard and headed out to meet my favorite boys and girls at the glam rock weekly dance party Ladyland. Ladyland, incidentally, takes place at the usually staid Hudson Library in Manhattan. My tribe was brimming with energetic positivity as we caught up.
Then a tall Wall Street type waved and smiled from the next table. He had a sturdy medium build and was slightly rumpled with a sweetly crooked smile. As he was one of the only guys in the room not wearing jeans skinner than mine I waved back. After he bought a round of drinks for our table he sat down and we started talking about the club, the news and recently outed celebrity love children.
“Well, you’re not married, right?” I asked jokingly as he wrote his cell phone number on a business card.
“Separated,” he said, suddenly looking like somebody bought up all of his favorite stock. It turned out that he had been legally separated for 7seven months from his wife of six years. “We live separate lives in separate cities,” he explained. “We are absolutely getting divorced. I am just trying to sort out the financial aspects of it first.”
So should you ever date a man or woman who is separated from their spouse but not yet divorced? No. Absolutely not. Nunca. Never.
Should You Date Him If He Is Legally Separated?
A person who is separated from their spouse, whether legally or by circumstance, is still married. As anyone who has ever badmouthed a friend’s ex-boyfriend only to have them reunite as a happy couple knows, break ups don’t always “take.” My parents had two legal separations when I was growing up and they are now one of the cutest married couples I know.
There are too many fish in the sea to go after the ones that someone else already caught. When the person is officially signature-on-the-deed divorced then (and only then) they are single and available, physically at least. Then when you date them you only risk being the rebound chick, not the home-wrecker.
When You’re The Separated One
The reverse of the question is should you date when you are separated? I know from experience that ending a marriage takes time. When you know for a fact that your marriage is over, you want to move on quickly to the next chapter of your life but it is also a time of healing. For some of us that means crying in a ball on the kitchen floor for four months. Others of us find comfort dancing on tables with our girlfriends.
Only you know in your heart whether the relationship is truly dismantled. Unlike when dating a person who is separated, if you are the separated one, you know whether your divorce plans are imminent.
Dating is fun if we allow it to be. Like I always say, be good. And if you can’t be good, be safe.
