There’s a war going on between my heart and my mind. You see, my mind KNOWS what to do, but my heart can’t feel it. They can’t seem to communicate well with one another. My sleep has been affected by this vicious battle. It’s the worst at night.
My heart begs eagerly to fall into the sweet memories I use to have with him. I was so happy. But my mind is at a constant struggle with my heart , fighting for me not to go down that “dark path.” I mean, I give my mind some credit, it’s only looking out for my well being. I shouldn’t been living in a memory anyway. It’s not “healthy” as they say.
But tonight, as my mind (once again) was fighting with my heart, trying every which way possible to NOT stoop low and give in….I gave in. I felt so ashamed, OH but it felt so good! I watched myself fall onto this warm and cozy cloud. It’s hard to describe but it was like I was sitting a memory cloud. I saw myself laying there, my hands behind my head…feet kicked up, smiling up at the sky. I was living in the memory. The memory of fun times. The memory of when I actually felt loved. The memory of being…happy. What a peaceful place to be, wishing I could live here forever.
Just as I was feeling all good inside, my mind came to the rescue (ugh). It yelled at my heart to come back to reality. “BUT I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK THERE!!!!!”- my heart desperately screamed back. I…don’t…wan’t….to.
I felt like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum in a mall full of crowded people. After I yelled and screamed and cried, I suddenly was embarrassed. I suddenly felt my memory cloud disinigrate beneath me and felt like an outsider watching myself fall into the cold, mean air filled with anxiety. Falling and falling, I opened my eyes and found myself in the complete darkness of my room.
My heart won tonight. But tomorrow is another battle.