Luv Coach Q&A: Rocking the Cradle of Love!

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I am a 28-year-old black, Christian woman who is presently dating a 20-year-old black, Christian man. It has only been six weeks so far and I’m starting to grow feelings for him. We are both attending college as science students, and we both have similar goals and aspirations for our lives. He tells me that he isn’t ready for a relationship, but acts differently. If I go away for at least 45 minutes he misses me, and wonders where I’ve been. He acts very emotional towards me. We had sex a few times. (I know that’s wrong in God’s eyes). I told him lets just be friends and stop the touching and cuddling, but then he can’t eat nor sleep. He then starts to ask me if am seeing someone else.

Please help.

-Roxanne

You are dabbling in a very young dating pool, and this opens you up to falling into dating traps. With the age difference at this stage in your lives, it’s too easy to end up playing the ‘mommy’ and ‘baby’ roles, which lead to dependence and neediness. At 20, he does not have the emotional maturity to have a relationship with you, and he hasn’t fully developed into his adult self. He is unclear about what he wants, because he doesn’t fully know who he is, and his overtly emotional reactions are a result of his underdeveloped identity.

The big question is, why did you choose to get involved with someone who is so young? He’s obviously not ready for this type of emotional commitment, so why are you now choosing to walk away? What did you want from him? Are you looking for a committed partner to share your life with, or are you just looking for sexual satisfaction and an ego boost? You entered into this relationship sharing personal goals and aspirations, and once he became attached, you pulled the rug out from under him. You too have acted differently, and you have both been unclear about what you wanted from the get go. If someone tells you they are not ready to have a relationship, then why have sex with them? Were you hoping to change his mind?

You have to ask yourself what you really want out of a relationship, and find someone who is mature enough to provide those things. If you’re just looking for a college fling, then choose someone with more maturity and set boundaries so everyone involved is aware of the parameters. Until you figure out what you want, you can’t pick a man who is going to be right for you. Establish a friendship or be a mentor to this young man, and take some time away from the dating world to figure out what kind of partner and relationship you want in your life. Don’t play games with young hearts, they are already confused enough trying to figure out who they are in this world.