I Love You, But I Am Not IN LOVE With You
by HybridMom,
Last week I saw six couples. The majority of them were trying to make their relationship better. One of the couples is struggling with the feeling that the marriage is dying. During the session, the wife turned to the husband and said the 10 dreaded words, “I love you, but I am not IN LOVE with you.” This means different things to different people, but to this woman’s husband it meant the marriage was over. It meant that she no longer saw the man she once did when she looked at him. As the therapist, it meant restoring this marriage would take action and it had to begin now. It also meant that this woman was ready to face an ultimatum. She pulled out her big gun. She knew that by saying this, her husband would take notice and pay attention. She knew how to say, “I am ready to walk if you cannot change.” The truth is, they both have to change or their marriage will not survive.
A book just released titled “Stop Calling Him Honey and Have Sex” is written on the concept that familiarity and taking each other for granted kills lust and passion. The authors of the book, Maggie Arana and Julienne Davis, explain that sharing the same bathroom habits, calling each other sweet names, and knowing each other too well can cause feelings of desire to disappear. As this couple talked about their habits, I began to see several of the changes that had to be made. The wife thought her husband could read her mind and became very angry when he would ask her what was wrong. One of the things that irritated her most and took away her desire was when he came home from work and changed into old tattered clothes. The guy is a professional and dresses in a suit every day. When he wears a suit, she is turned on. She equates his suit with power and that elevates her sex drive. When he wears old clothes, he loses his sex appeal. He calls her honey and dear. She feels like these words sound motherly and not sexy. She wants a man to call her “lusty names.” Once again, he is supposed to know this. Lastly, and perhaps her biggest problem is, she doesn’t like being asked for a hug or kiss. She wants him to grab her and hug or kiss her. She feels like her husband is too polite. During our session, her husband admitted to being totally unaware of any of these concerns. He said he had no idea. She was upset because she said she told him, but he never listens which is probably another reason she feels like she is not in love with him anymore.
To date, more of my female clients use this term, “I love you, but I am not in love with you” than men do. I believe men may feel this way, but I don’t think men would be as quick to distinguish between the types of love. Below are a few suggestions for getting lust back into your relationship.
Talk to your partner. If you are thinking you prefer to hint, then prepare to be disappointed. Men prefer direct communication, and women assume the worse if they aren’t told directly. Not telling your partner how you feel is dishonest as well as manipulative. No one can read your mind.
Begin partaking in novel experiences together. Try downhill skiing or take a class together. Novel experiences build desire because you get to see your partner in a new way.
Get active. When you are out of shape you can become “old” before your time. Getting the blood pumping makes you more energetic and youthful. Passion is difficult to feel if you feel fluffy and frumpy.
Get a makeover. Both men and women need to take care of themselves. Letting yourself go does nothing for your love life.
Search out new music. Begin playing it and moving your body to it. Many times, we numb ourselves and disconnect from our bodies. Moving your body to music rhythms is an easy way to get back in touch.
Invest in and buy sex toys, powders, lotions, and massage oils. Getting active in the bedroom and scheduling rendezvous are an excellent way to add passion to your marriage.
4 Sex Tips Every Woman Should Know
Begin having sex in places other than your traditional bedroom. The most beautiful bedroom gets boring after awhile. A new room or environment adds a spark to even the dullest relationship.
When you are feeling distant from your partner, many times it is because you are bored with yourself. Projecting onto your spouse that it is their fault and you aren’t in love with them is lazy and cruel. Do your own work. Throw yourself into something you are interested in, instead of throwing yourself into another relationship.
“I love you, but I am not in love with you” should never signify an end to a marriage. It does signify that changes need to be made. It is an opportunity to begin something new and to empower the relationship. The deepest, most satisfying relationships are the ones where both people want to keep evolving and growing with each other. It may take more effort, but the results are priceless.
