Luv Coach Q&A: Am I Being Used For Sex?
I have been with this man for four years. He is 36, and I am 22. I feel like I’m not even his woman. He puts everything before me.
We have only spent one holiday together during the course of these four years. He did not attend my college graduation, and my on last birthday we weren’t talking because of an argument, so he only texted happy birthday.
We barely spend time together, and it seems like I am always working on his time. Last night I asked him if I could spend the night, and he told me that he wanted to get some rest – and couldn’t rest if I was there because we like to have sex a lot.
I feel like sex is the only thing we have.
He says he loves me, but I really don’t feel it. I’m always doing things to keep him around, like taking him shopping. He doesn’t make a lot of money and I understand that he doesn’t have the money to do certain things, but I feel like he doesn’t even make an effort.
I’m really depressed over this because I really love him and I don’t want anybody else. However, I feel so stupid because I give him my all, and it’s like he only wants me around when he’s in the mood. I feel like he doesn’t include me in his life. I guess I stay cause I don’t want to be lonely, even though I still feel lonely when we are “together”.
Should I just walk away?
Don’t just walk away – put on your Pumas and RUN! You are being driven by the fear of being alone and it has led you to stay in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship with a man who obviously isn’t right for you. When we are motivated by fear, we make poor choices, and the more energy we put into feeding that fear, the deeper a hold it has on us.
You have to face your fear of being alone. What is the worst thing that could happen if you were to be single right now? Some days you might feel lonely and a little blue. These feelings are not going to kill you, so don’t fear them. Now, what is the best thing that could happen if you were to be single right now? You could spend more time with friends and family; you could go on lots of dinner dates with many, many interesting men, and the more you learn about others, the more you learn about yourself. As you meet new people and test the waters, you can begin to learn what kind of man you want in your life, and the type of life you want to live.
You are aware that you’re not satisfied in this relationship, and this man’s actions are not that of someone who wants to build an equally loving, supportive and committed relationship. It’s a one-way deal in which you are plying him with gifts, love, sex, and at his beck and call, while he isn’t reciprocating or fulfilling your needs. Currently you are unsatisfied, unhappy and lonely in the relationship, so what do you really fear by walking away?
Being single is one of the best times in your life to experience, and it’s a great time to learn as much about yourself as possible before you enter into a committed relationship. It’s time to embrace the thought of being a successful single person. Choosing to end this, you may feel lonely and sad for a short time as you heal from the heartbreak, but you will heal, and once you do you will be open and available to allow someone into your life who is worthy of your love and will be able to fulfill you in a loving way.
You are young, and smart and you have your whole life ahead of you, so don’t settle for someone because you’re driven by fear.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.