“I’ve Been Sleeping With My Uncle Who Was In Prison For 18 Years”
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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I know that you hate long letters, so I will try and keep this two year saga short. I began a sexual relationship with my uncle two years ago. I was 26-years old and he was 45-years old. He was in prison for about 18 years. I visited him every weekend from age 11 until I was about 24-years old. I believe that for a while we were in love with each other (I’ve heard the saying that you can’t help who you love, but….).
He initiated the relationship and I, knowing that I would lose my uncle and cause some major drama if I told anyone what was going on, kept it quiet. About a year in, I couldn’t take him disrespecting and using me anymore, especially lying to me about loving me. He kept lying about his feelings for me even after times he told me he just wanted to have sex with me and that he didn’t want to mess around anymore. He would always come back and say he loved me and missed me. I knew it wasn’t true, but because I still loved him in a romantic way, I allowed it. Now that was my fault.
After a big family blow-up, in which he denied the affair even happened and called me a crazy lying bitch, (which I know now that he was trying to keep his girlfriend whom he was about to have a baby with), he finally came out and said the truth about us. He apologized to me. I was hurt and upset that my favorite uncle that watched me grow up could treat me in this way and that I allowed it. I was angry. Sorry doesn’t fix everything. My family stated that my uncle and I should try and repair our relationship. Honestly, I wasn’t ready for that, and as of yet it hasn’t happened. Mainly because after that family blow-up and a 4-month or so hiatus we began seeing each other, again. He went on lying to our family and his girlfriend and to me. Telling me that no matter what he would never stop seeing me, he misses me all the time, etc. I stopped the relationship after Christmas and told him to stop calling and texting me.
My issue is that my family doesn’t know that we began again and can’t understand why I don’t want to be around him or his girlfriend, her four other kids and their baby. I know this man doesn’t care about me and I don’t believe he ever did. He did more to suit himself than he ever did to be an uncle to me. Especially, after apologizing to me and then calling me only for sex. I feel he is not my uncle and I don’t know who he is. Am I wrong for not wanting to be involved with family functions in which he will be in attendance? Is this whole thing my fault? – Division In My Family
Dear Ms. Division In My Family,
Girl, this is a hot ass mess! I fell off my chair and bumped my own head.
You’ve been having an intimate relationship for the past two years with your own UNCLE! A man who has been in prison for 18 years, more than half your adult life, and whom went to prison when you were 8-years old!?! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
First off, why are you engaged in a sexual relationship with a man who is your uncle? Why are you having sex with a man who has been in prison for 18 years? You state that he initiated the relationship, but at that moment you should have put your foot down and said, HELLS NAW! (In my Sophia voice from The Color Purple).
You really don’t know this man other than the occasional weekend visits to him behind bars. Honey, a man in prison has more rap game than any rapper out in the history of Hip Hop. They know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and are masters of manipulation. Yes, darling, 18 years behind bars he’s got what they call Prison Psychology. And, your uncle has a PhD in it. Baby, there is no course in any university that can compare to that psychological dissertation, and undoing the damage he’s infused in your mind will take at least 10 psychiatrist to undo.
But, I’m concerned that your dysfunctional ass backwards family learned of the relationship, and their advice was for the two of you to repair your relationship. Chile, they must all ride the short yellow bus, with your uncle as the driver. However, and regardless of what they were hoping you two would repair, they did not intervene. No one from your family suggested therapy, counseling, or even found the relationship odd and inappropriate. That, in and of itself, is horrifying to know if your family doesn’t find the relationship totally out of character.
Here is a man who has taken advantage of you, because I feel he started working on you when you were young, and unconsciously you didn’t know it. I am sure there were moments during your 18 year visits to him in prison when he made inappropriate comments, suggestive remarks, and advances. Those gestures were a set-up and his manipulation of you, and sweetie, you fell for it hook line and sinker. Yes, yes, yes, you were being worked and gamed probably around the time you started developing as a teenager and into a woman. When the time was ripe, and you were ready, he plucked and picked you as a ripe Georgia peach.
Girl, you seriously need to be in counseling and therapy because unbeknownst to you, you have been psychologically manipulated. I say this because you don’t, or didn’t feel the relationship you engaged in was inappropriate or out of character. It says a lot about you as a person to engage in a relationship with your own family member, as well as a man who has spent 18 years in prison, and not only have an intimate relationship with him, but he has another entire relationship with a woman who is pregnant, and he denies his involvement with you when confronted. Whew! Chile, he has manipulated everyone around him. He manipulated you, his girlfriend, and your family. He’s so damn good at manipulating others that he even fooled himself into believing that he could get away with sleeping with you and no one discovering what was going on. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE THE LIGHT.
Look, Ms. Division In My Family, I don’t think the two of you need to be around one another. I strongly urge that you seek some professional help and undo the damage you’ve experienced mentally and emotionally. As a matter of fact, I think the entire family needs to be in therapy right along with you. Honey, they need to do a television special based on your family called, Sexual Intervention With Dysfunctional Ass Backwards Families. And, I agree with you, I don’t think the relationship with your uncle was about sex for you, it was emotional and mental. However, for him it was sexual. He seduced you and made you feel something that no other man has, can, and will ever do. Therefore, trying to break away from him will not only require therapy but a spiritual cleanse. Yes, darling, you are spiritually connected to him. His spirit has a hold on you so tight that you don’t know your ass from your head. But, I am glad that you acknowledge your part and role in this relationship. You knowingly engaged in the relationship, and despite the many times he lied, deceived, and coerced you into believing it was something entirely different, you felt in your heart it was not so. Now, it’s time to follow your heart and move on with your life. I suggest separating yourself from him, and your family for a period of time to solely work on you. It’s time to re-evaluate your own self-worth, self-value, and self-esteem. You have to repair YOU! And, it starts from the inside out. If you have a church home, then I suggest you speak with your pastor and seek spiritual counseling. You need a spiritual authority to help you cleanse and rejuvenate yourself. And, hopefully you can learn how to forgive yourself. Yes, darling, you need to forgive yourself and don’t beat yourself up. The relationship happened, it’s done, and now it’s over. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. Forgive yourself for engaging in the relationship with your uncle. And, forgive yourself for not trusting yourself. You’ll always be fabulous, amazing, powerful, and great, but it’s going to take time and work for you to realize it and recognize it in yourself. And, boo boo, don’t you get involved with another family member, or any man who has spent an abundant amount of time in prison. It’s like the song lyrics, The girls look so good but their minds are not ready. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!