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Should you confront the woman your guy cheated with?

By Lauren RomanoFri Sep 16 6:31am PDT

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I was cheated on in two different relationships, and each time I was able to speak to the woman the guy cheated with. We each had questions about what happened, so we took the opportunity to talk to each other. It was awkward in the beginning, but we laid everything out up front and agreed we would talk as adults. We wanted answers, not hair-pulling, black eyes and slaps across the face. Between the conversations, my ex’s, and information from other sources, I found out the women knew of me, but not about the relationship. To the dismay of my friends, I actually liked the women. I was in a relationship with each guy first, but I couldn’t dislike two women who were hurting and were deceived by someone they cared about, especially considering I knew how that felt.

Your emotions are all over the place after you’ve been cheated on, and it’s important not to do anything reckless regardless of how tempted you might be. Before you make a decision, there are some questions to ask yourself to decide if you should you really confront the woman your guy cheated with.

Are you prepared for what you could hear?

I didn’t expect some of the things I heard, but then again, who really knows what to expect in this type of situation? Although they obviously weren’t pleasant details to listen to, my imagination was worse. Prepare yourself as much as possible for what you might hear. If the woman knows of you, she very well may tell you he said some not-so-positive things about you. It’s not going to be easy regardless, but the blow might be a bit lessened if you’re somewhat mentally prepared. Just keep in mind that what she tells you may not be the complete truth, so you’ll have to decide for yourself whether or not to believe what she said.

Do you know what you’re going to tell her?

The woman is going into the confrontation likely wanting just as much information as you do, especially if she didn’t know about you or the relationship. You’re probably going to encounter questions you’re not prepared for, but at least have a brief idea what you’re going to tell her and what you want to keep private so you’re not caught completely off-guard.

Are you realistic about the outcome?

What exactly are you looking to get out of the confrontation? Whatever your answer is, be honest with yourself about it. Your main priority should be doing what’s best for you — the ideal thing is to squelch your curiosity and get some answers so you can at least try to heal and move forward. However, be aware you’re also going to have to deal with the answers you hear, which might make you feel worse before you feel better; it’s different for everyone.

Also, be aware that the woman might not answer the questions you have. She might choose to keep some information private, in which case, you’re going to have to try to move forward without those answers.

Do you have physical proof of the cheating?

It’s one thing to contact a woman and tell her she’s with your guy, but unless you have physical proof of the cheating, it’s going to come off like you’re lying, especially if the woman only wants to believe the best in him. You may only get one shot to confront her, so don’t go empty-handed.

It’s easier to show proof if you’re married — a marriage license, wedding photos and recently dated family photos are hard to dispute. Being in a relationship is a different story — even photos of the two of you in a picture together wouldn’t be enough because she could say you’re a jealous friend of his. Bring some correspondence between the two of you, such as emails and love texts, as well as recent photos of the two of you kissing or anything of the like.

When you talk to the woman your guy cheated with, the worst thing you can do is have the discussion in your home, her home or anywhere else that’s private. Have the conversation in a neutral, public setting that is semi-private, such as a cafe that’s mostly empty in the middle of the day where no one can overhear you.

If possible, meet up with a trusted loved one after the confrontation. You’re likely going to need to vent or get a hug and having that support is beyond helpful. If it weren’t for a couple of friends, it would have been much more difficult for me to deal with, especially immediately afterward.

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