No exaggeration: I lived in New York City for almost two years before I went on my first date. I’ve never considered myself a “wallflower,” but living in a city full of beautiful and fashionable people was definitely intimidating. I had no idea how to compete, so I didn’t really try. Eventually I caught the attention of a great guy in spite of my demure exterior, and we’ve been dating for awhile now. But I often wondered: If the ball were in my court rather than his to make the first move, where would I be? I know I’m hardly alone here — shy folks who feel awash in missed opportunities are everywhere. That’s why I’ve interviewed experts and some of my more aggressive friends for tips on how to emerge from your shell and get the attention you very well deserve from the opposite sex. Just follow these cues:
Talk to others like they are your pals, not possible dates
It might seem silly to approach a potential love interest in the same manner as you would a pal, but this tip may be just what you need to put your nerves at ease. “Talking to a guy like he’s just one of your friends takes away the pressure,” says Jessica Slotnick, LCSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. Kateri Lopez, 25, of Bronx, NY, agrees: “I talk to a guy like he’s my brother, just no one special,” she says. “When I’m out, I’ll usually just be like, ‘Hey, what’s up? Are you having fun tonight?’ It puts me at ease — and him, too.”
Be aware of your body language
Shy people often unintentionally come across as cold and aloof all due to the simple fact that their body language is transmitting “keep away” signals. To avoid this, “hold something in your hand to keep you from crossing your arms,” says Robin Gorman Newman, author of How To Marry a Mensch. And self-proclaimed wallflower Lauren McCormick, 20, of Lexington, KY, shares her secret to appearing open and friendly at a party — even when she’s feeling nervous: “To feel more comfortable at social gatherings, I like to help the host with anything that needs finishing,” she says. “This gives me something else to focus on other than forcing a conversation. Offering refreshments to people always seems to lead to an easy, flowing conversation.”
Author: Ellen Collis. She has written for First For Women and other publications.
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