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Luv Coach Q&A: Find a New Man

By Rebecca Brody on Jun 21st 2010 4:30PM

Filed under: Luv Coach

My husband and I were married for four years when we allowed his grown son, girlfriend and child to move in temporarily with us. From the first week I became the outsider in my own home. His girlfriend waited on my husband hand and foot (he loved it); I worked a full-time job and she sat on my couch all day reading. Of course, I was resentful and voiced my opinion. She would cook for 3 people knowing there were four adults in the home, and she wouldn’t do any housework. When I complained, I was the bad guy. My husband agreed with me behind closed doors that they were being disrespectful to me, but would not say it to them. On my birthday I gave them notice that they had a month and a half to move out, and 2 days later my husband threw me out and changed the locks on the doors. She told him she was afraid of me. Two weeks later he filed a domestic violence charge against me, which will stay on my record. The judge made him move out and gave me the house until the divorce is over, so he now lives in an apartment. My biggest problem is, I still love him and would love nothing more than to have my old husband back. He says he loves me but can’t live with me because of his family. How do I move on knowing I still love him, and that he loves me. He won’t even talk to me on the phone. I feel it’s because he still loves me and is afraid to give it a chance because of his family.

-Kimberly

I smell a rat! It sounds like your stepson’s girlfriend may have been doing more than just waiting on your husband hand and foot. His choice to kick you out, change the locks and throw away his marriage without first discussing alternative choices sends the message that he must have an attachment to the girlfriend that goes beyond his son. When you get married, you commit yourself to creating a family with another person, whether it’s two people or more. The disrespect and disloyalty that he has shown you tells you that he does not consider you family, and if he is taking the word of a girl who he just recently met and isn’t even married to his son, over that of his wife, then you are better off without this man. Since the judge sided with you, I can only assume the domestic violence charge was based on the girlfriends fear of your retaliation. I know you’re lonely, but would you rather be with a man who doesn’t share your values in marriage, and who you can’t trust to stand by you through thick and thin? It takes two to be a couple, so if he wants off the ride, let him go. Your heart will heal and you will move forward with the intention of finding a man who will treat you with the love and respect that a wife deserves.

Have a Love Question? Ask Rebecca Brody on Twitter @LuvCoach

I have been single for two years. I just started to feel like I am ready to date again, get married and have more kids. Is it wrong for me to want the man that I date to have dreams and goals, a house/apartment, a car, money, etc? When I talk to my son’s father, he tells me that I want too much. Should I just put my wants and needs aside? I own my house and car, I work and go to school and I am a mother. I want to own a bigger house and a better car and send my son to college without me or him worrying about how we are going to pay for it. I am 24 years old, and there are no men that think about these things in the area where I live. All they care about is old cars with big rims, music and sleeping around. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. What do u think I should do?

Aliyha

It is obvious that you are a strong woman, who has dreams and goals for yourself and for your son. These are great things and you shouldn’t allow anyone else to limit or hinder you from achieving them. Just because someone else can’t see the heights to which you are capable of climbing, doesn’t mean you should put your wants and needs aside. If you do that, you will resent the person you are with, and live an unhappy life. You have already achieved a lot, so continue to dream big and chase your goals. As for dating, you need to widen the pool. There are many dating sites that allow you to meet people all over the country, so spread your net and fish in the entire ocean. There are many people who share your passion for life and success, and you want to find someone who shares your values and is as ambitious and goal oriented as you are.