Dear Elin, Don’t be Blindsided Again (10 Signs He’ll Soon Be Out the Door)
Elin Nordegren, you are our Celebrity Breakup poster girl. Everyone is raving about the way you kept your delicate hands out of the muck, aced your divorce, and iced out the press—well, until your new People exclusive. But speaking of that interview, when you say of Tiger’s shack jobs, “I never suspected—not a one,” I keep stumbling on that. “For the last 3-1/2 years when all this was going on,” you explain, “I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school.”
But is it true you really didn’t see this coming? Didn’t have a clue? Not a Swedish umlaut of doubt? I find it a little hard to believe, mainly because, watching Tiger so clumsily trying to mop up the scandal, I can’t imagine him being a very smooth liar at home. And Elin, you’re way too sharp to be that oblivious; you speak five languages and of all subjects, you’re studying psychology.
Oh yes, there’s this quote from you: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed—how could I not know anything?” And you know what? I’ll lay off for a minute to say that, whether true confession or deft PR-speak, it’s a question that no woman on this earth ever—ever!—wants to be asking herself. And it’s too bad there’s so much infidelity going around, we have to be on guard.
So, Elin, for your next Romeo—and for all of us who never want to be blindsided by the words, “yes, I cheated,” or, “sorry it’s just not working out,” here are some red flags. Take note if he says:
1) “Sorry, it slipped my mind.” Forgetting to do something he’s always done for you—picking up your clothes from the cleaner, bringing home the wine—that’s a sign you’re not as important as you used to be, says clinical psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, author of Just Listen and The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship.
2) “I’m loving this wheatgrass.” Men are creatures of habit and any change in routine behavior is something to look twice at. Obviously when a guy who’s not terribly ambitious becomes a workaholic, you want to make sure he’s staying late to do business—not the business. “And if you married a slob, and he’s suddenly dressing better, it’s a pretty big clue there’s someone else,” Goulston says. Even more subtly, if a beer ‘n’ steak guy gets fanatic about wheatgrass, or takes a new interest in saving the penguins, make sure his passions don’t have to do with some cute earth-loving lover.
3) “What did you say?” “Men on the way out often seem distracted,” says psychotherapist Tessina, PhD, author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. Withdrawal can be more serious than fighting—an indication he doesn’t care enough to engage. If you find yourself continually having to bring him back to the conversation, it may be because he’s preoccupied making exit plans.
4) “I’m fine, Okay?” Both Goulston and Tessina point to irritability. “His answers become shorter,” Goulston says, “and if you try to have a longer conversation, he resists, or gets annoyed.”
5) “You have such long toes.” Fine for someone who’s known you for a few weeks. Not fine for someone who’s known you a few years. If he’s having revelations about your body now, perhaps he’s been sampling (and comparing it to) someone else’s.
6) “You’re no fun any more?” Even though you haven’t changed a bit, he starts criticizing the very traits he once admired in you: Your “good work” ethic is “a drag”; your discipline with money, now “controlling.” When a partner does a U-turn like this, he may be reevaluating what he wants in relationship. So any time you’re scratching your head asking yourself, What am I doing differently, start asking what he might be doing differently.
7) “I can’t even think that far ahead.” If he stops talking about the future—vacation plans, building your dream house, having kids—it may be because he’s not seeing himself in yours.
8) “Can you move over?” When the personal distance you’ve established between you as a couple—snuggling at a bar or walking side-by-side down the street together—widens, it could be a precursor to that nauseating phrase “I need my space.”
9) “Oh, Charlie can’t make it for dinner.” When his best friend, who always used to hang out with you, becomes scarce or treats you more distantly, it’s likely he knows something you don’t want to know….
10) “Snore.” And then there’s the sex. Obviously he’s not going to be all over you like floor wax after ten years and a kid or two. Nor are you going to blaze with desire every time you catch his eye. But if sex, and interest in sex, drops out of your lives, says Tessina, you both need to take that seriously.
