Should you agree to be “on a break”?
- by BounceBack, on Fri Apr 29, 2011 7:55am PDT
By Sarah Rae, BounceBack Editorial Staff
The ins and outs of going on a “break” from a relationship can get quite complicated. No break seems to be exactly like another. Sometimes going on a “break” means spending time apart until both partners can decide if the relationship has any more gas. Many times these breaks follow some kind of argument or mutual disappointment. It’s time to get one’s head together and reevaluate the relationship’s health. Other times being on a break just means you wait around hoping they’ll recommit, while your partner plays the field. Thus the saying “As faithful as one’s options.”
Related: Why Distance from Your Ex is Important for Your Recovery
How do you know if a break is right for you? Sometimes we latch onto the idea because it’s better than a “break-up.” A break is hopeful. It means there’s still the possibility of reconciling. You don’t have to find a date for that party next month or start dividing up the DVD collection. You don’t even need to call your friends or parents and tell them what’s going on. It’s just a break, not a breakup. But how often is a break just an excuse to avoid hurt feelings, tears, and other breakup mayhem ? How often does a break become a breakup?
Things to consider before you agree to a break:
• If the proposition to break has come as a surprise, you need to think about why. Have you missed telltale signs of pulling away, like not telling you what they’re doing or avoiding making plans? If things seem strained or the passion fizzled, maybe it’s a good idea to step back and assess where this relationship is going.
• Think about what you thought the last time you heard a couple was on a break. Remember when you met your friend for happy hour and surprisingly his girlfriend of 2 years wasn’t there? When you pried he causally told you “We’re on a break right now,” but rather suspiciously didn’t give you any details and changed the subject. How did it end up working out and do you feel like you’re in a similar place as that couple?
Related: Can a Trial Separation Ever Re-Spark the Flame?
• How comfortable are you with the rules of this break? Being on a break shouldn’t mean sleeping around, but does it mean they’re going to date other people? Are they going to lay down the law that you can’t contact them for a while? Sometimes leaving us hanging on a line is just too much to ask . Our minds sweep us up in jealousy, resentment, and pain. If you can’t come to an agreement you can live with, maybe it’s better to break up than to break.
If you agree to a break, what’s step 2?
• You have to assess the differences that are dividing you right now, whether you argue a lot or you just like to do different things. You have to ask yourself: Is this something I want to work on or is this a deal-breaker for me?
• Your relationship needs a check-up. How happy are the two of you? When was the last time you had a really good date? Sometimes we keep going through the motions without realizing the thrill is gone. If you’ve been together for a while, think about the ways in which you’ve changed since you started dating. Have you changed together or have your paths diverged?
Related: The 5 Biggest Breakup Triggers
• Sometimes giving your partner space actually does bring you back together. Respect their boundaries during this break. Don’t call or email. Don’t break their rules about texting them while they’re out with friends, even if you just saw the funniest commercial featuring their favorite actor. Keeping busy and maybe taking up new ways to spend your time can be both refreshing and appealing.
Related: Stop Talking About Your Ex! Here’s How
Sarah Rae received her MFA in writing in 2009 and is currently pursuing a Master of Arts in psychology. She lives and writes in Brooklyn. www.sarahrae.net
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