His feelings matter, too
“Our feelings are just as important as your feelings. We shut down if we don’t feel like we matter or that your agenda is more important than ours.” — Chris, 38, Rochester, NY
Get him to open up: “Feelings mean different things to each of the sexes. Guys often feel by doing, women by saying,” says Dr. Pollack. “It’s a matter of translating one language into the other. Try saying, ‘I’m really sorry. I know that your feelings are important, but I’m not clear what they are. Can you help me understand?'”
It’s a game of give-and-take
“Maybe it’s an emotional defense mechanism, but when our relationship starts to feel too one-sided, it makes me less likely to open up to her.” — Dave, 40, Syracuse, NY
Get him to open up: Try saying, “You seem more distant. What’s up?” This shows that you realize that he has been present in the past, and gives him an opportunity to state that he feels he has been taken for granted. Instead of giving him the laundry list of all the things you do to take care of the household and the family, try addressing his feelings by saying, “Can you tell me when you feel like I stopped giving my half?” “Doing this keeps him from being defensive, and gets him to talk about it so he feels like you’re part of a team again,” says Dr. Pollack.
