Focus on you
Many times, the reason you want to change your spouse is because you are so focused on him/her. Change your focus from your spouse to you. You’ll see all the changes you need first. When you change, your spouse is likely to change, or at least your perspective will.
If you want the house organized or cared for better, then do it yourself. If you want to eliminate excess spending, then start with you. If you want to be loved more, then be more loving. You have to give first.
Change your words
Using words like “I feel” and “I need” will carry much more weight than “you should” or “you always.” The way you start a conversation can dictate how that conversation plays out.