Male Speech Quirks, Decoded
You need or want to talk to your dude, but he’s gone quiet. He’s not speaking, and when he does, it’s like he’s doing his best caveman impression. Your mind starts racing: Is he mad at me? Is he intentionally tuning me out? Why won’t he use his words (after all, he has so many of them now)? As you suspect, he may be holding back–but it’s because he’s trying to save you from truths you only think you want to hear. This month I’m using my 1,000 words to give you some insight into what’s up when we shut down. Perhaps I can head off a few marital arguments, or at least reassure you that you’re not crazy.
“Are you mad at me?”
“Nope.” If he says “nope” (not “no,” not “nah,” not “what?”) in a clipped, clenched-jaw kinda way, sort of like he’s straining a muscle in his mouth trying to get the word out, then he is mad at you. He’s so mad that he doesn’t want to say too many words, because all those words will be bad and unproductive. However, the one good thing about this response is that at some level he’s trying to avoid fighting with you. Good luck with that, dude. My wife, Karel, hears my “nope” but sees me tapping my foot impatiently, so she says things like, “Well, you’re acting like you’re mad at me,” and eventually I crack and we end up arguing. Your guy is trying to work through something when he answers like this: He is pondering your side of the situation, realizing he might bear some responsibility, so give him some time and space to figure it all out. You’ll know it’s okay to restart the conversation when he’s back to stringing three or four words together.
