Living With Men: A 10 Step Guide
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by The_Stir, on Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:39am PDT
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My best friend is in the process of moving in with her boyfriend. Until now, she has had the luxury of living in her gorgeous apartment solo, but that’s about to end. Let’s all take a moment for her.
Are we back? OK.
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I thought I would take this opportunity to pass on a few tips I’ve picked up from living with the opposite sex for the last decade. It’s been an … interesting experience.
1. Keep your own bedroom. Now, I realize this is impossible in a one-bedroom apartment, or in a relationship, for that matter. But, keep your own space, somehow. Even if it’s just a chair that’s “yours.” Claim it. You’ll need it.
2. Promptly go through his underwear drawer and dispose of all tighty-whities. Someday, you will be doing his laundry and someday, you will see something that will scar you for life. Take steps to prevent that catastrophe. Trust me.
3. Speaking of laundry, should you do his on occasion, don’t get into the habit of matching his socks. The day will come when you’re just too tired or pissed off at him or whatever to take the time to match his socks. He’ll be all mopey and all “you don’t love me anymore, you used to match my socks.” If you skip this altogether, you’ll prevent the pity party.
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4. Hide the Nair and the Joleen and whatever feminine hygiene products you use. Not because you should be ashamed, but because it’s just too much for their brains to accept all at once. When Jeff found out that I don’t naturally have baby fine blond body hair all over my body, he stayed out of the bathroom for months. Milk it.
5. Purchase single serve beverages. I will occasionally drink something from the carton. Occasionally. But, my own backwash doesn’t gross me out. Whose does? My husband’s, whom I have caught red-handed guzzling Diet Pepsi from the bottle. My bottle. You may also want to invest in a mini-fridge of your own to keep in the closet.
6. Buy a big hamper and keep it somewhere hidden. Name it the Crap Hamper. Whenever his crap is left around the apartment, simply chuck it in the hamper. When he asks where his crap is, you have an answer.
7. Make a spare set of keys. Or four. He will lose his. Multiple times.
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8. Start putting your shoes away. It’s one thing to have a cute pair of boots lying in the entrance way; it’s a whole other issue to have six pairs of his stinky gym shoes lying around. Practice what you nag. Er, preach.
9. Remove all tags and receipts from newly purchased items. There’s no need for him to know what you spent on a tube of lip gloss or a pair of jeans. But, keep them handy, you know, in case he despises your new pair of two hundred-dollar jeans.
10. Buy a really complicated remote control. The most high tech one you can buy. Study the manual. Memorize the manual. Burn the manual.
You’re welcome.
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