Luv Coach Q&A: Rushing into Marriage
By Rebecca Brody on Jan 18th 2011 3:00PM
Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage
My oldest son is turning 29 in March and has decided to get engaged. He has never been married and he has a three and a half year old son; my only grandson. For whatever reason, my son and my grandson’s mother had issues in their relationship and went their separate ways 14 to 16 months ago. They had been dating and living together for over three years. I was never told the details, but it appears that the new lady in his life is to blame for the separation. My son’s fiance in her late 20s and I’m not completely sure, but I believe she was married for six years and has three girls ages 12, 10 and 6. I have met her maybe three times since last summer, but have yet to meet any of her children.
-Doris
When my son told me they got engaged over New Year’s weekend, I was very disappointed by his decision. I advised him to seek some professional marriage counseling before jumping into this. They’ve been dating for a little over a year and are now living together. He is an excellent father — very responsible and independent — with the exception of this decision. Maybe it’s just my maternal instincts, but I am not feeling good about this. My grandson’s mother and I are still good friends and we still communicate regularly. I guess she is aware of his engagement decision and she does still care for my son and she is a great mother. As you can see, I really don’t know much about the new woman in his life except that she has a whole lot more to bring to the table than he does. I need to know if I should be concerned or just let him live his life.
It’s normal to be worried about your son and his decisions, since a mother’s love and concern lasts a lifetime. The feeling that ‘a mother’s work is never done’, can plague you, and the desire to continue steering him in the right direction will probably never go away. Advising him to seek professional marriage counseling is a good suggestion for any new marriage, and it shows that you care, but the truth of the matter is that your son is an adult and you have to trust that he is going to make the right decisions for himself. I don’t want you to ignore your intuition, but I do want you to question what you’re basing your intuitive beliefs on. Since you have only met his fiance three times and you have never met her children, then it’s a good idea to spend some quality time with all of them. Enter into the situation with an open mind and an honest heart, and make an assessment once you have spent some real time getting to know them.
As for his ex-girlfriend, it’s great that you still have a relationship with her, but there are two sides to every story, and you can’t make a judgement without hearing from all the parties involved. Since you have primarily been listening to his ex — who still loves him and might want him back — coupled with the fact that she is a great mother, it’s not surprising that you’re biased. Have a frank talk with your son, and ask him to share with you why he believes his fiance is the one. Don’t question his decision or argue his choice, but rather ask as many questions as you can so that you get a clearer picture of who your son is now, and the life he wants to share with his new lady.
You can recommend a long engagement so that you can get to know his new family better, and help to make sure the integration of all his children into one big family goes well. At present, your son has chosen the woman he wants to be with, and he has accepted her children as his children. The train is leaving the station and if you want to be a part of it, you have to make the choice to get on board.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.
