Luv Coach Q&A: I Keep Picking Abusive Men
He badgers me constantly about my education and accomplishments (he’s a blue-collar guy, which is okay with me) through constant criticism and belittling. He is jealous, accuses me of this and that, and I am always defending myself.
He acts like he hates me, then talks about us spending our life together. He often stops speaking to me, then calls like nothing happened. I can’t do anything right for him. He is unpredictable.
We are from two different worlds, and our children have been raised very differently. He makes negative comments about my kids and my family. He is a liar, and he is secretive. He disappears. He is miserable and hates that I am happy and optimistic about life even after all that I’ve been through – and I’ve been through hell – but I’m still hopeful and think more on the upside. I can’t take it anymore. It affects me physically.
I’m trying to stay away from him and am attending a women’s support group to help myself. I was abused by my mother growing up. She beat me and was emotionally unavailable. My ex-husband was also emotionally abusive because he was a pathological liar and went to counseling off and on throughout our marriage for this problem. The marriage still fell apart because he wasn’t truly committed to straightening up.
I don’t want to keep picking the wrong man. I have so much to offer. Help me.
It sounds like you are an incredibly strong, loving and giving woman who has done very well for herself in life, but you keep picking men who are emotionally abusive because of your unhealed wounds from childhood.
First, you must end this toxic relationship and cut all ties to this abusive man. Remove everything of his from your home, end the relationship and continue going to your women’s support group. He will try to lure you back in, but you must hold firm to your conviction to put your mental health and your children’s health first. If you are truly fed up, then kick this guy to the curb and vow to begin your journey to love and heal yourself.
Second, you need to see a therapist to deal with the issues from your childhood that are affecting who you choose as a mate. You may find that your wounds affect other areas of your life as well, and as an adult, it’s time to work on healing them. It would be best for you to remain single for the next year while you spend time working on you and finding the love that you have for yourself.
You are stuck in a pattern, and it is not working for you. The only way to break that pattern is to first become aware of what the pattern looks like, figure out where it began, why you continue to hold onto it and how to break the cycle that has left you in this rut. A relationship coach can help you to overcome your negative patterns and take you through the steps of consciously dating and being the chooser. They can also help you through the process to recognize red flags, dating traps and other landmines that pop up during your dating journey.
You know that you have so much to offer, so don’t settle for someone who verbally and emotionally abuses you. You are better than that, and you are the only one who can save yourself.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in NYC. For love advice go to theluvcoach.com, or follow her on twitter @LuvCoach. Are you searching for the love of your life? Join Coach Brody for Improv Speed Dating – improvdates.com.