Why “It’s Not Your Fault” is so Hard to Swallow
When you’re in a manipulative, destructive relationship, and it ends, oftentimes the manipulating person will place the guilt on you, adding insult to injury and exponentially magnifying your heartbreak. This is simply a case of the manipulative person projecting his/her behavior on to you. They will rationalize their actions by pointing out your faults, and they will deflect their guilt and remorse by placing blame on you for the relationship breakup. These are the types of people who SHOULD be using the clichéd phrase “It’s not you, it’s me,” but they have too much of an ego and would never admit to any kind of blame, guilt, or show any remorse.
In extreme cases, these people go undetected in society with severe personality disorders (psychopaths, sociopaths, antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder, and others). They leave you with no apologies and no signs of remorse, never to contact you again (as there’s no more need for you in their game of domination), and you are left thinking nothing more than “What did I do wrong?” “Was I not good enough?” and “What didn’t they love about me?”
The hardest thing to swallow, admit, and really believe is that this is not your fault. In normal relationships, maybe – maybe there was something you could have done better, talked about more, or addressed earlier on. But, in the case of a manipulative relationship, the person you were with was never truly emotionally connected or involved in the relationship in the same way that you were. They were only involved for their own personal gain – sex, money, ego, thrill, and so on. They will do this to the next person and the next, and it won’t be those people’s faults either. You cannot be at fault for truly loving, giving your all, and being sincere and honest. It’s hard to realize that, but at the simplest level, think about it – how can someone get in trouble for being good?
It’s not your fault – don’t make it that way. The only thing that you can be to blame for is a poor judge of a bad character and giving someone the benefit of the doubt or too many chances. In a strange truth, the world doesn’t always revolve around you. A therapist said to one of our members who was going through this situation, “You know, as wild as it may seem, this might actually have NOTHING to do with you.” In the case of manipulative relationships, this is almost always the case. Continue to remind yourself that flipping the statement to “It’s not me, it’s you” might be the right phrase for you for this occasion, and be proud of yourself for being true to your feelings. Know that the manipulative person will most likely jump from relationship to relationship, treating everyone the same way they treated you, and never finding the true happiness you are able to find.
BounceBack is helping people find happiness after heartbreak from a relationship breakup or divorce. It’s a place to tell your story, get advice from experts, and share what you’ve learned with others in similar situations. Heartbreaks happen to everyone. And we believe everyone has the potential to bounce back to life and move forward. http://www.bounceback.com/
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