A Man Offers $65 Million to Any Man Who Will Marry His Lesbian Daughter
‘I love you more than I love my lesbian daughter.’Webster’s defines “dowry” as the money, goods or estate that a wife brings to her husband at marriage. They define “diarrhea” as, well, you probably know that one, especially if you love coffee and Thai food. But now, a story out of Hong Kong has convinced us to coin the term “dowrrhea,” which we define as the willfully sh*tty act of attempting to control an offspring’s life by throwing around money. And, per NBCNews.com, a Cantonese billionaire has a really bad case of it.
Imagine, if you will, you’re a Chinese playboy tycoon and your daughter, flesh of your flesh, would prefer not to produce grandchildren for you, but instead has joined the sisterhood of Sapphos. Beautiful and natural, right?
Well, the shipping and real estate magnate Mr. Cecil Chao Sze-tsung has decided to throw money at the “problem.” He’s offering $65 million to any man who can worm his way into his 33-year-old daughter Gigi Chao’s heart (and underpants) and convince her that team hetero is the way to go. I’m not sure how big the Chinese are on irony, but in my mind the fact that Mr. Chao claims to have bedded 10,000 women and not married a single one of them makes his daughter’s sexuality and lifestyle the ultimate compliment. “I learned it from watching you, dad.”
Tycoon Lesbian Daughter Dowry-Gate (as no one is calling it) was prompted by reports that Ms. Chao married Sean Eav, her partner of seven years, in France. Mr. Chao roundly denies the report, but the timing makes a reasonable person pretty sure the French femme-on-femme-forever fete happened. In a comment that would make America’s own real estate butt-hat Donald Trump proud, Mr. Chao said: “It is an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. I don’t mind whether he is rich or poor. The important thing is that he is generous and kind-hearted.” Though Mr. Trump would have likely somehow squeezed “Wharton” into the conversation.
I certainly know people who have tried to bribe their daughters out of crummy relationships. And unless I’m completely unfamiliar with innuendo, I believe a father once tried to convince me to put a ring on it. But trying to bribe a man to rescue your daughter from lesbianism is a bit too far for me. It’s possible I’m being culturally insensitive. But the important thing is, hopefully Justin Theroux and Kristen Wiig are working on a fictionalized version of this for Rebel Wilson to star in.