He’s thinking: Why did I eat so much bacon this winter?
In regular life, dudes have the uncanny ability to delude themselves about how they look. I convinced myself for years that my weight was “hovering” between 210 and 220 pounds. In reality, it was not “hovering” at all-it had “sunk” under the strain of holding up my 250 pounds. Stripping down in front of other people, I had to confront that hefty reality. Thanks to the pool, I was finally embarrassed into a healthier lifestyle.
He’s thinking: Wow, my wife looks good.
The great contradiction of the pool is that as bad as we feel about our own bodies, we sure enjoy checking out yours, unencumbered by modern contrivances like pants. If you’ve ever noticed how your husband gravitates to the bedroom and finds dumb stuff to talk about (example: “I think we need a new picnic basket”) when you’re getting dressed, then you probably know how much he enjoys seeing you in your bra and underwear. A bathing suit is basically a bra and underwear, only waterproof.
He’s thinking: Let’s make out in the pool!
It’s a strong impulse, especially if you’ve managed to hit the pool without your kids. But just because you’ve pawned them off on their grandparents for a few hours doesn’t give you and your spouse the right to get all handsy in the deep end. Yes, the weather is hot, and it’s just the two of you for the first time in weeks. I know, I know, but the pool does not make you invisible. I don’t care how chlorinated that water is-it’s not sanitary, and you’re freaking out the elderly woman doing water aerobics. Bottle up that sexual energy and save it for the parking lot behind the Wendy’s on the way home, the way the Founding Fathers intended.
